Antibiotics for Everyone!

Wow. I’m suddenly aware of how long it’s been since I last posted (or since I’ve slept in on a Saturday morning). Although I’m sure I could bore you with the specifics of what I’ve been up to in the past month - how many trips I’ve made to the pediatrician, the vet, the wine store, the pediatrician, Target, the vet - I thought it would be more fun to take a trip down memory lane and revisit the highs and lows of the last four weeks.

And here they are in no particular order:

Low - Dispensing antibiotics to both kids and both dogs (more to come on that). While I found myself thankful that modern medicine allowed me to act as a Florence Nightingale to my brood, I did find it somewhat obscene that all of them needed meds at once.

High - Going to see Twilight: Breaking Dawn by myself. I snuck out and saw a 9:30 am showing on a Sunday at Southdale. That’s right. My mom argues that this is slightly odd behavior, but I’m not sure there’s anything more luxurious than seeing a movie by oneself (well, aside from a a week at a spa but since that’s not happening anytime soon...). In fact, it is much preferable to ogle Robert Pattinson without my husband sitting next to me like he did for Eclipse (all I have to say is that I was pregnant and it was our anniversary).

Keep reading here: Patch Blog #6

Halloween Pukefest

Is it over yet?

For the love of all that is spooky, are we done with Halloween?

I know I sound like the Grinch, but I deserve a break. I was the bullseye for some massive projectile vomit yesterday. Now, I know that many moms have been thrown up on by their infants and I feel for them. But I also feel for me because it wasn't the baby that threw up on me; instead, it was a 33 lb two-year-old.

Disgusting.

I should have known something was amiss when I heard Auggie crying only an hour into his nap. I went to his door and found him peering pretty pitifully over the gate. (You might recall from a few weeks back that we transitioned to the toddler rail. This random walking around the room is an unfortunate byproduct of such a switch.)

Keep reading here: Patch Blog #5

Birthdayapalooza

I took some time off from blogging because I've been sick. But don't feel bad for me. This past week has been heavenly. Although I was ill with a hacking cough that kept me up half the night for nearly a week, I was able to call in sick and get some much deserved R&R. I took long luxurious bubble baths and napped when I felt tired. My husband made dinner every night and the kids went to sleep after smiling all day long. The dogs even refrained from barking and vomiting.

NOT!

Ha! Not one of these things happened (except for the hacking cough which I treated with box wine and Halls lozenges, and is probably how I ended up hallucinating this la la land).

Instead, we had birthdayapalooza. Now, I certainly don't want/need to celebrate getting older anymore but after spending nearly a week feting Auggie, I began to feel slightly jealous.

How come no one takes me to Target to pick out cool toys?

Keep reading here: Patch Blog #4

Crib Jumping

Update: Auggie climbed out of the crib tonight. Just to set the record straight, he is absolutely fine. I was in the room when it happened and caught him while holding Harry which resulted in what feels like a spinal injury (me) due to their combined 57 lbs.

Auggie had been extremely difficult during bedtime and had elected not to sit with Harry for story time. As a consequence of this PPD (poor personal decision as my friend Melissa terms it) I put him in the crib with his monkeys and books.

Apparently he didn't feel the need to reflect on this behavior, because he then looked at me and swung one leg over the rail. (Just to reassure you again, this is the point at which I caught him - a good five times, in fact because like a masochist I kept putting him back in the crib). If Auggie could speak, I'm sure he would have said "f&*@ you world" while pumping his fist in the air when he made contact with the ground.

If you haven't laughed yet, it's probably because I'm still too close to the situation. No, literally, I'm too close. I'm sitting in the rocker next to his crib right now. I think he's staring at me, but I can't tell because the glow from the computer screen is hurting my eyes. In case you're keeping track, we are now in minute 134 of the bedtime routine. Yup, 2 hours and 14 minutes have passed since the boys started their baths.

Keep reading here: Patch Blog #3

Peas, Poop, and Parties

When Harry was just a few weeks old, a shy yet well-intentioned former high school classmate came over with her baby to catch up.

I'm not sure if it was Auggie's maniacal obsession with running in circles (the boys are 14 months apart), the dogs' incessant barking (yup there's two of them), or the fact that I was trying to nurse the baby while blabbing away to keep the conversation going that caused her to blurt out:

"How are you not curled up in the corner in the fetal position with a bottle of gin?"

I think at the time, I smiled demurely and said something inane like "Oh, it's fine. We manage."

Due to the events of the last 24 hours, I'd like to officially change my response to the following: "Because I prefer box wine?!"

Keep reading here: Patch Blog #2

Naptime: A SAHM's Savior

If you're like me and have small children, then your day goes something like this: morning chaos, pre-nap activity, NAP (cue Hallelujah chorus), post-nap activity, evening chaos, BED (cue wine). Somewhere inside of all that you're lucky if you can run a brush through your hair, pull on clean yoga pants (not because you're going to yoga class ever again - who are you kidding?), or even make it to the bathroom (this is actually required since you don't have time for a UTI). The only way one can possibly survive all this craziness on a daily basis is if the NAP (cue angels singing) occurs.

Therein lies the problem. They know you need this time. I use "they" because the lines are drawn at naptime. It's no longer a happy "us" situation like: "Aren't we having fun at the park? Don't we love MyGym?"

No way. Right after lunch the pronouns change and read like this: "You look tired. I think it's time for you to have a nice nap."

Now, don't get me wrong. I'm pretty lucky. I have a 23 month old and a 9 month old and both are fairly solid sleepers, and I've manipulated it so that the baby has a long nap when his brother does. So I can usually spend my 2 hour chunk of time agonizing over dinner, folding laundry, and wondering if I can get away with running the vacuum cleaner. And I do all of this in the company of Bo and Hope, and Daniel and Jennifer, and Sami and Rafe.

Keep reading here: Patch Blog #1

You're Not Drinking???

So, I went out last Saturday night. Imagine gasps and whoahs filling the silence. It was a legitimate Girls Night Out. We even saw a chick flick - Sarah Jessica Parker's new film I Don't Know How She Does It.

There were five of us out on the town. Well, in all fairness "town" really meant the bar inside of the movie theater. But hey! That's pretty good for five newish moms. That meant that 6 kids were sleeping while 5 semi-competent husbands were snoozing in front of bad weekend tv.

Anyhow, after all of the excitement of meeting up had died down, we headed to the bar and ordered our drinks. I should rephrase. 3 of us ordered legitimate drinks. There was also 1 Sprite and 1 club soda with not a word of explanation.

Ok now. You can't expect to go to GNO and order something like that and not say anything. Because let's be honest, if you are pregnant and you don't want anyone to know yet then you

AVOID situations where alcohol is present.

A few minutes passed before the loud obnoxious one asked what the hell was going on. Yeah, yeah, I'm the loud obnoxious one. And in my defense, these were two friends of mine and I was about to get excited for them and order shots for the rest of us. So I gently asked whether there was any good reason that they were not drinking.

Wait for it.....Nope. No one was pregnant. Just trying.

Ummmmmm......now I don't know about y'all, but I'm just going to ask the obvious question. How in the hell do you get pregnant sober? Especially, when you already have one kid????? I for one like to be half in the bag before we get it on. Then there's no need for any post-coital discussion about how you should have sex more often since it's actually a good time and you never have it because there are already two little ones sleeping downstairs and you're so exhausted most of the time that you'd rather fall asleep clutching your glass of wine rather than each other. But that's just me.

Let's also mention the other elephant in the room. If you get pregnant, then you are going to be an elephant who cannot drink for 9 months so why are you stopping so early.

Really, it just made me sad. Unfortunately, I couldn't order a second drink because the movie was starting. Thankfully, my husband was still unconscious when I got home.